Himeros I program note

The word himeros is an ancient Greek term meaning uncontrollable desire. It is also the name of the god who embodies this feeling. Much of my compositional work revolves around Greek myth and ritual, and in this piece, I seek to capture a sense of melancholy and yearning in relation to lust—a theme I have explored in works such as my opera Calypso, the song cycle Ballad of the Crying Satyr, and the double concerto for clarinet and harp, Peane from Hyacinth.

There is a certain beauty and sad irony in experiencing both deep passion and profound pain—feelings that often accompany love or desire, especially from afar. To me, there is something poignant about the distance one feels when attracted to someone: the sense of being both utterly alone and vibrantly alive, emboldened by longing yet rendered timid when acting upon it, and, at times, the quiet shame that follows when feelings are hurt. This piece attempts to capture that state of uncontrollable desire as it exists in the mind—before or without action.

Written for Forest Collective, and premiered by them May, 2016 conducted by the composer at Melbourne Recital Centre.

Vale, dearest Dean.

Dean Sky-Lucas was one of those amazing friends who 6 months go by, you send each other endless memes and then a you have a flurry of contact. You message to vent about something, or reflect on a memory, which leads to a phone call, that leads to a catch up. And that catch up would lead to mutual bemoaning the world’s ills and lots and lots of laughter.

He was one of those people I thought of often - just small moments thinking “what would Dean make of this” or “I won’t if Dean has ever played this” etc

Dean and I worked together once, and from there it was like an instant connection, like two creative souls seeing eye to eye on the same level.

We plotted and schemed often to try and work together on something, so share that special common ground of pianist and conductor in a rehearsal room. But alas, that opportunity is no longer.

I will always remember with love our times in our little rare opera club during lockdown, where we had some truly memorable moments in the boredom.

I scrolled back in our chat history and came across this, a very typical moment of poetry from Dean.

Vale, you amazing human. 💕

Is the music really in my body?

It seems odd to admit it, something so basic to being a conductor and musician, but counting is hard. I have always found internalising pulse and rhythm difficult.

I’ve been reflecting on this recently, trying to ascertain why this may be, and it’s led me to a broader soul-searching self-discussion about my musical identity, ability, and intuitive sense. What I’ve started to discover is that for all the years of study and time I’ve put into understanding and conceptualising music, I feel like it has only been in the past few years, really growing into my brain in my 30s, that I’ve actually been able to put everything together and feel some sense that I am actually getting things ‘right,’ and that I’m conceptualising music on a level where it really is in my body and feels comfortable through gesture.

This is such a typical conductor thing to rabbit on about, but I am curious if others think the same way. I’ve also noticed it in my singing, as well. Only recently do I feel I’ve finally found my voice and that it resonates naturally, and reflects both myself and my ability.

What do you think? Does it take time for all that learning and study to finally embed in the body and brain?

New video of ‘The Sea’

I am delighted to share this highlights video of the recent Forest Collective and BK Opera collaboration on my new opera The Sea.

I have been working on this piece on and off for a few years with the amazing poet Nicole Butcher, and it was such a thrill to finally bring this piece to the stage.

This piece has been nominated for a Green Room Award for best new Australian opera.

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