Is the music really in my body?

It seems odd to admit it, something so basic to being a conductor and musician, but counting is hard. I have always found internalising pulse and rhythm difficult.

I’ve been reflecting on this recently, trying to ascertain why this may be, and it’s led me to a broader soul-searching self-discussion about my musical identity, ability, and intuitive sense. What I’ve started to discover is that for all the years of study and time I’ve put into understanding and conceptualising music, I feel like it has only been in the past few years, really growing into my brain in my 30s, that I’ve actually been able to put everything together and feel some sense that I am actually getting things ‘right,’ and that I’m conceptualising music on a level where it really is in my body and feels comfortable through gesture.

This is such a typical conductor thing to rabbit on about, but I am curious if others think the same way. I’ve also noticed it in my singing, as well. Only recently do I feel I’ve finally found my voice and that it resonates naturally, and reflects both myself and my ability.

What do you think? Does it take time for all that learning and study to finally embed in the body and brain?